7 Ways to Put Your Family First

A friend of mine has a habit. About twice a year he loses track of time at work and arrives home very late, hours after his family expected him. As you can imagine, this habit is not one that his spouse is particularly fond of.

I’m not immune to this as I’ve on occasion, returned home later than I had hoped. As I get older though, my wife has helped me to see that getting home late is a major no-no.

If you don’t think that it’s a marriage killer, try it a few times and when you get the evil eye (which is taught in the wife handbook, page 104), shrug it off. That will go over real well…

Andy Stanley of Northpoint Church wrote about this dynamic in his book, Choosing to Cheat. He essentially says this: be clear about whom you are going to cut short in terms of time. Every day, you must choose one priority over another. Once you know your priorities, you can choose the most important actions to take.

What he means is that if you believe your spouse really comes first in your life, you really don’t have the luxury of making a social withdrawal by coming home much later than you had planned. As Covey famously said years ago, “put first things first”. This applies your family as much as anything.

So here is my quick list on simple ways that you can put your family first in the whole work-family dynamic:

1. Leave work at a particular time every day. Whether it’s four, five or six p.m., try to stick to a particular time. This will help your spouse with dinner planning or the occasional errand on a week night.

2. Surprise your spouse once a month by coming home early. This works every time and shows your spouse that work doesn’t always come before family. My wife isn’t crazy about flowers but sees time home early as an even better gift from me to her. I love showing up at the back door and surprise her.

3. Believe in the concept of a meeting “with yourself”. That way, you can leave on time, knowing that your meeting is actually a time to get home and be with your family.

4. Practice transitioning. You can take a deep breath before you enter the house, reminding yourself that you are no longer at work. You can also use the time in which you change your clothes to refocus on the second part of the day (I.e. 5-9pm). Very productive people know that a short amount of time is needed in order to shift from work to home mode. Without the transition, you'll end up being short with your spouse as if you are still in work mode. Not a good idea.

5. In the event that you are running late, call ahead. Better to communicate when your lateness shows up rather than when it blows up a few hours later.

6. Go into work late once in a while. This can’t apply to everyone but if your job allows for any degree of flexibility, go in later and make up the time on the backend. Sometimes a breakfast with your spouse can go a long way to tell her that you consider family more important than work.

7. Turn off your gear. When you’re home, don’t be checking email or your phone. This is super difficult, I know, but nothing says “you’re not important” more than checking email when you should be helping your kids with their homework.

By practicing these habits of “family first”, you can communicate to your family that they matter. Big time. Now that’s a habit that will pay dividends now and into the future.

Three Things Your Spouse Can Teach You About Work

Most families are a complex web of commitments, hopes, dreams, projects, activities and disappointments.  In our family, my wife, Cary is The Servant.  She truly has a heart for helping people and I'm blessed to spend life with her. 

We have an ongoing joke that she is also the "parking lot evangelist" because she seems to find elderly people outside of stores who have lost sight of their parking space and can use a hand.  Cary volunteers a ton at our church and brings home her joys and frustrations.  

One theme of many volunteers, Cary included, is that of not hearing the words "thank you" from those in authority on a regular basis.  For whatever reason, many leaders don't think long enough to thank those who are choosing to give of their time and energy for the sake of the cause/organization/church, etc.  

I've learned three things from Cary that I try to act on at school, especially when we have volunteers:

1. Publicly thank and praise them.  A bouquet of flowers, a microphone announcement, a kind word- all of these go a long way.  Even if you have five people to acknowledge when you are the podium, always find a a way to thank that 6th person who is a key volunteer.  
2. Privately thank them via personal notes and emails.  This is more personal and usually means even more to volunteers.  It takes but a minute and will make a real difference.  
3. Remember that they can leave at any time.  Enjoy the gifts of your volunteers but remember that they can pack up and leave at any time.  That's in the Volunteer Handbook (page 32 I think).  Hopefully this will motivate you to thank them even more often.

I've learned so much and continue to learn about how to thank volunteers and help them feel appreciated.  No leader is perfect and that includes me.  Thanking your volunteers well and often will help your legacy to go further and faster.  

What can you learn from your spouse about your colleagues at work?

Photo courtesy of CLS

How to Respond to Negative Feedback

Good managers give tough feedback.  The issue is on the side of the receipient and the question is simple enough.  "How will I respond when I get feedback that hurts or at the very least, surprises me?"  

There are any number of responses, including but not limited to the following:

• "Fine!  I didn't like working here anyways..."
• "You're wrong.  I am doing a perfectly fine job in my role at work."
• "Are you serious?  Do you know how much the next guy screws up?"
• "I thought Facebook was the company email system..."
• "You're criticizing me for that?  Seriously?"

And there's my absolute favorite response from the employee to the boss, "You are an idiot!"  I'd like to see the backside of that staffer as the door hits him squarely in the pants as he just got his firing papers.  (ok, I wouldn't really want to see his backside but you get the picture)

Author Steven Pressfield (remember The Legend of Bagger Vance?) calls the force in us that brustles when we get negative feedback The Resistance.  The Resistance is that small (and sometimes loud) voice that wants to pack up our toys and head home when the going gets tough.  It's that desire to get defensive and pout.  The Resistance tries to tear down all of your work maturity and success and tell you that the grass is greener on the other side.  

Great leaders learn to harness The Resistance.  They wrestle with it and one day they lose to it and another they triumph over it.  The key is that they keep trying and never quit.  

They then channel The Resistance into a positive direction.  My advice is simple- when you get tough feedback from your boss, don't obsess about it.  Do something positive with it and work your tail off to correct it.  Your boss isn't an idiot and you don't know what he knows.  Deal with it. Learn from it.  Grow as a result of it.  

Spiritually speaking, tough feedback is a great opportunity for prayer.  It helps you be more humble.  Feedback allows you to journal more often in order to understand it better.  Most importantly, any opportunity to become a better person is a step closer to God and His plan for your working life.  

How did you last respond to negative feedback?  Are you prepared for it to show up again in the near future?

*Photo courtesy of EM

Instead of What You Have to Do, Think of What You Get to Do

You hear people say it all the time- I have to do this or I have to do that.  It's become so commonplace that we don't think twice about the vocabulary of "have to".

Except that, ironically, our language doesn't have to include anything.

It's usually context that helps us to change our perspective, from have to to get to.  When I say context, I mean any number of things that bring gratitude back to our mindset.  This could be the result of moving away, going on a trip, experiencing something mind-blowing or whatever.

Here's an example.  I work with a guy who was once a successful attorney, most likely making a good dollar and on a fast track to something bigger.  He eventually decided to put that road on the shelf and get off the highway and become a teacher.  He now teaches high school history and law and is very happy as a result.  "I get to do this every day," is something I've heard him say from time to time.  He's also a darn good educator.  

My point of gratitude which shifted my vocabulary from have to to get to, was a result of working in different places.  I always tell young teachers that they most valuable thing they can do is work in more than one place rather than becoming a "lifer".  Lifers lose perspective and get cranky.  People with perspective have gratitude.  They see change as inevitable and embrace opportunity.  Are you one of those people?  

Why not start today?  Instead of using the vocabulary of "have to", try on the verbiage of "get to".  

I get to work in a Diocese.  

I get to lead a school.  

I get to manage people.  

I get to commute each day.  

I get to live in the suburbs.  

I get to go on vacation.

I get to enjoy a free country.  

I get to worship God and share that relationship with others. 

What do you get to do that you previously though of as a burden?  

Photo courtesy of BB

The Balance Between Stepping Back and Stepping Up

I am privileged to work with some truly amazing people.  Some are in the education field for decades and still come to work with a desire to impact lives.  Others are fairly new to schooling and face the challenges of trying to make their mark.

Making a mark sounds easy but it's not.

The Glory of God is a Human Being, Fully Alive.  St. Iraneous

There are at least three things that hold young leaders back from their desire to step up:

1. The system.  Education, like many fields, isn't great at innovating for the next generation.
2. Lack of recognition.  Sad that you have to be "in the field" for 30 years before your first award.
3. Negative voices.  You know them and they absolutely repel young leaders.

With this said, the great ones are those who can not only recognize the speedbumps but go through them.  We celebrate these folks in America- the Steve Jobs types who overcame something in order to do something big, really big.  I was in a meeting with a man this week who literally worked himself into success- he had grown up with very little and painted houses each summer until he could jump into a better job.  Wicked good story.

But what if you can't step up?  What if the obstacles are just too strong?  You can remember your mom telling you to "offer it up" and I guess that's good advice.  My mom never told me that but I hear of other Catholics who received similar gems from their parents.  

Or, you can learn to be more humble, even if it's just a few hours sort of thing like Stephen Martin has done.

Lastly, you can just let it go. Step back from the moment and let things happen- this may be your greatest moment of patience, humility and sacrifice.  All three qualities are those that leaders aspire to practice.  Let's be honest when we say that your workplace shapes your identity.  Each day, with each interaction, you become more fully who you are.  If your leadership is built on ambition then that's ok.  On the other hand, if it's comprised of patient waiting for the right moment then that may be even better.  There is a real mystery here between push and pull.

The key is to know when to step back and when to step up.  Both have value.

*photo courtesy of AMDG