How to Stay Calm in the Face of Stress

When was the last time that you flew off the handle?  Do you remember the cause of it or how it was resolved after the dust had settled?

Often, stress builds up under the surface and then, when you least expect it, rears its ugly head.  A good definition of stress is, "Pressure or tension exerted on a material object".  If the material object is you, this post will apply all the more.  

 I once had a co-worker in the office who found me at the wrong time after what had been a difficult week.  After we exchanged words, we went our separate ways.  

To this day, I have no idea what we argued about.  

Stress is like that.  It blurs your thinking so that you are more likely to react instead of respond appropriately.  Recently in the world of race car driving, a driver deliberately wrecked a competitor's car.  When he was subsequently fined $100,000 and penalized by NASCAR, he defended his actions, "I guess I had to do what I had to do."  

Doesn't exactly sound like remorse does it?

Instead of going off on someone, how can you remain calm when you would otherwise provide a knee-jerk reaction?  Here are some practical suggestions:

1. Slow the game down.  Step away from the situation.  Turn off the computer, go for a walk, breathe.  What you don't want to do is say something that you will regret so it's vital to give yourself some physical distance from the situation at hand.  Turn your attention to someone or something totally unrelated to your stress.  
2. Practice the 24 hour rule.  That is to say, do not respond within the first 24 hours.  There might be an exception to this such as an emergency scenario or when someone is in danger.  Otherwise, do your best to not respond within the first 24 hours.  This will take discipline and courage.
3. Seek advice.  Ask 2-3 people that you trust what they would do in your shoes.  
4. Watch your email.  Many email errors take place because someone was in a rush.  Guess what?  Email lives for a long time.  (for a refresher on email etiquette, read Laura Stack's excellent piece on the proper use of email).
5. Speak with the person directly.  Whomever it is that rubbed you the wrong way, approach her/him calmly and directly.  Do not raise your voice but speak in a professional tone about what bothered you previously.  If you're going to push the stress out of your body, let it begin with the words that come from your mouth.  Don't approach the person in a hallway or public place but give your conversation the right context in which to take place.  An office or meeting room make the most sense.
6. Pray over the situation.  No matter how bad the situation may seem, God has seen far worse and can handle whatever mess you are in.  Pray for yourself and for the person(s) causing you stress.  I have found that this works 100% of the time.

Believe it or not, stess both causes and creates humility.  It takes humility to present your stress to God.  It takes even more humility to approach someone who causes you stress.  It builds up humility inside of you when you admit weakness and vulnerability.  

The words of St. Peter still ring true, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Question: which technique do you use to stay calm when faced with stress?

Photo courtesy of EG.

The One Question That Could Land You a Job

If you've been interviewed lately, you probably had a mixed reaction to the process.  So many companies never even get back to you after the interview and others are just inept at the process.  

This is a demoralizing process for folks who try but can't seem to nail down a job.

The folks at Manager Tools call this phenomenon "The Christmas Rule".  Just as Christmas only comes around once a year, interviews are just as rare.  As a result, most companies don't do them very well.  Their follow up is even worse.  

So here's a good question to ask if you are interviewing someone else for a position: how will we know that you've been here after a year of employment?  In other words, what difference will you make?  Someone who has an ability to answer that quickly and thoughtfully is on his way.

The one who can then deliver on that answer will be able to keep their job for a long time.

What is the worst question that you had to field during the interview process?

Photo courtesy of MT

Three Spiritual Lessons from House Selling

The day the sign went up I could feel the stares.

Neighbors, previously friendly to us, suddenly raised an eye brow as the realtor put the stakes into the ground. "Home for Sale" became a symbol of traitorship in our quiet suburban development. Why would they want to move? What's wrong with this neighborhood? You could almost hear the dinner conversation about the family in the white house that just put their house up for sale.

I avoided Herbie, my closest friend on the block, for days on end. I felt guilty, as if my desire to move was a statement of dissatisfaction with him or his backyard. It wasn't of course but the emotional pull of moving does weird things to your head.

Now a few months later and with a boat load of showings under our belt, I can say that we have gleaned (at least) three spiritual lessons from the house selling process.

1. House selling increases your faith. It's not a great market in which to sell. The economy isn't exactly "shovel ready" and everyone wants a deal. So much of the house selling process is out of your control that you literally have to throw it up to God and trust that He will work out the details. That's great for your faith.


2. House selling increases communication within your own family. Cary and I have had more conversations with our kids about our home, our town and what we really need (i.e. space, bedrooms, etc.) as a result of putting our house up for sale. More communication = better relationships.


3. House selling expands your vision for the future. When you leverage something that you own, it helps you to measure what's really important. That, in turn, leads to big thoughts about your future. For us, the house selling process has brought a lot of clarity to where we want to be in the short and the long term.

As of today our house hasn't sold. I wish it had but I'm grateful for the three lessons that we've learned along the way. Finally, Herbie and I are back on speaking terms.

What did you learn from the last time you had to purchase or sell a home?

Photo courtesy of SR

How to Know if You are Too Critical

You know them as Debbie Downers, Charlie Criticals or just plain know-it-alls.  They seem to have all of the answers without a willingness to do all of the work.  The 5 x 5 Network even has a show dedicated to these folks called Hypercritical.  

In short, critical people are all around us.  

How do you know if you're one of them?  Here are some signs:

-nothing seems to be good enough
-they return food often at restaurants
-they complain to hotel staffs
-they are quick to give advice, even if they aren't asked
-they like the phrase, "Have you ever thought about..."
-their faces don't look happy, often with deep lines on their foreheads and a recurring frown
-they can turn their praise on a dime into an attack, removing all loyalty from relationships

If you can relate to some of these signs, you're not alone.  If we're honest, we all are probably too critical too much of the time.  

The reason why this matters is that it relates profoundly to our spiritual lives.  A critical person brushes up against pride when their "I know better" attitude expands and pride is a major problem.  

My wife Cary told me once that I had "a problem".  I thought, "this will be rich," but listened like an obedient husband anyway. She told me that my problem was that I always wanted things to be better.  Not thinking that this really was a problem, I was still struck by her insight.  I realized that my attitude needed to shift without my standards being compromised.  It's good to want to improve things but it's bad if that's all you want out of life.  

Think of it in terms of relationships: if you are friends with someone and always want to change them, you'll quickly find yourself alone.  Work, family, prayer- much of this isn't about changing people but about working with them to achieve a higher good.

In my life, the result has been significant as I'm now more accepting and less judgmental.  A work in progress, as they say.

The trick is not to lose sight of things when they need improvement but to see things through a spiritual lens.  Love and accept first and evaluate and improve later.  Now that's a formula that works even when life isn't perfect.

Question: when was the last time that you caught yourself being overly critical of someone else?  

Photo courtesy of RZ

How to Take the High Road

At some point, most parents encourage their kids to travel to a strange place.  It’s called “the high road” and children have no clue where it’s located.

 

We parents lump The High Road talk in with other famous bits of wisdom.  These include, but I’m sure are not limited to the following:

-“Life’s not fair”

-“You have to roll with the punches”

-“People are like that”

-“We don’t do that in our house”

And my personal favorite:

-“Offer it up”

Taking The High Road is a great metaphor for parents when they face a situation that is hard to navigate.  Exhibit A might include a 6^th grade son who faces a classmate who is a royal pain in the neck.  The High Road would translate into ignoring the other kid as often as possible.

Exhibit B could include the coach who uses a few choice words after the weekend baseball game, again showing his inability to motivate youngsters.  The High Road might supplement dinner conversation with a pleasant, “Oh well, Coach Fisher won’t be your coach next year.  There are only two games left in the season anyway.”  

All of this is fine but does it hold water once you turn into an adult?  Could it be that we should still Take The High Road when we are managing others, executing projects and maintaining standards?

This is where our faith comes in.  I suggest at least a few moments when The High Road might be appropriate after all:

-You get a nasty email from a colleague.  The High Road: go and see him/her personally to talk about it rather than fire back a “you’re an ass” email.

-You get steamrolled by a boss during a meeting.  The High Road: file that moment away in your mental Black List and never forget it.  That boss showed his/her true colors and you’ll be prepared the next time.

-You fall victim to something in the rumor mill.  The High Road: rumors are basically uncontrollable and driven by people who crave weird information.  Ignore the mill.

-Your assistant is late for three days in a row, citing elder care issues.  The High Road: show some compassion and be supportive.  After all, you’ll be old someday too.

Whether you are five or fifty five, The High Road still applies.  This is not to say that you become a pushover or compromise your standards.  Rather it means that you leave some room for God to step in and be a central part of your work.

Question: when was the last time that you took The High Road?

Photo courtesy of JW