How to Know if You are Too Critical

You know them as Debbie Downers, Charlie Criticals or just plain know-it-alls.  They seem to have all of the answers without a willingness to do all of the work.  The 5 x 5 Network even has a show dedicated to these folks called Hypercritical.  

In short, critical people are all around us.  

How do you know if you're one of them?  Here are some signs:

-nothing seems to be good enough
-they return food often at restaurants
-they complain to hotel staffs
-they are quick to give advice, even if they aren't asked
-they like the phrase, "Have you ever thought about..."
-their faces don't look happy, often with deep lines on their foreheads and a recurring frown
-they can turn their praise on a dime into an attack, removing all loyalty from relationships

If you can relate to some of these signs, you're not alone.  If we're honest, we all are probably too critical too much of the time.  

The reason why this matters is that it relates profoundly to our spiritual lives.  A critical person brushes up against pride when their "I know better" attitude expands and pride is a major problem.  

My wife Cary told me once that I had "a problem".  I thought, "this will be rich," but listened like an obedient husband anyway. She told me that my problem was that I always wanted things to be better.  Not thinking that this really was a problem, I was still struck by her insight.  I realized that my attitude needed to shift without my standards being compromised.  It's good to want to improve things but it's bad if that's all you want out of life.  

Think of it in terms of relationships: if you are friends with someone and always want to change them, you'll quickly find yourself alone.  Work, family, prayer- much of this isn't about changing people but about working with them to achieve a higher good.

In my life, the result has been significant as I'm now more accepting and less judgmental.  A work in progress, as they say.

The trick is not to lose sight of things when they need improvement but to see things through a spiritual lens.  Love and accept first and evaluate and improve later.  Now that's a formula that works even when life isn't perfect.

Question: when was the last time that you caught yourself being overly critical of someone else?  

Photo courtesy of RZ

How to Take the High Road

At some point, most parents encourage their kids to travel to a strange place.  It’s called “the high road” and children have no clue where it’s located.

 

We parents lump The High Road talk in with other famous bits of wisdom.  These include, but I’m sure are not limited to the following:

-“Life’s not fair”

-“You have to roll with the punches”

-“People are like that”

-“We don’t do that in our house”

And my personal favorite:

-“Offer it up”

Taking The High Road is a great metaphor for parents when they face a situation that is hard to navigate.  Exhibit A might include a 6^th grade son who faces a classmate who is a royal pain in the neck.  The High Road would translate into ignoring the other kid as often as possible.

Exhibit B could include the coach who uses a few choice words after the weekend baseball game, again showing his inability to motivate youngsters.  The High Road might supplement dinner conversation with a pleasant, “Oh well, Coach Fisher won’t be your coach next year.  There are only two games left in the season anyway.”  

All of this is fine but does it hold water once you turn into an adult?  Could it be that we should still Take The High Road when we are managing others, executing projects and maintaining standards?

This is where our faith comes in.  I suggest at least a few moments when The High Road might be appropriate after all:

-You get a nasty email from a colleague.  The High Road: go and see him/her personally to talk about it rather than fire back a “you’re an ass” email.

-You get steamrolled by a boss during a meeting.  The High Road: file that moment away in your mental Black List and never forget it.  That boss showed his/her true colors and you’ll be prepared the next time.

-You fall victim to something in the rumor mill.  The High Road: rumors are basically uncontrollable and driven by people who crave weird information.  Ignore the mill.

-Your assistant is late for three days in a row, citing elder care issues.  The High Road: show some compassion and be supportive.  After all, you’ll be old someday too.

Whether you are five or fifty five, The High Road still applies.  This is not to say that you become a pushover or compromise your standards.  Rather it means that you leave some room for God to step in and be a central part of your work.

Question: when was the last time that you took The High Road?

Photo courtesy of JW

Four Methods for a More Consistent Relationship with God

Faith takes practice and the practice of faith takes perseverance.  As St. James says, “The testing of your faith develops perseverance.”  (1:3)  I get all of this and yet the practice of my faith can be so darn frustrating.  The lyrics from Bruce Springsteen come to mind, “One step up and two steps back”. (One Step Up)

Like the kids in my own family, sometimes I just don’t get it.  “The habits should have kicked in by now,” I tell myself, when I get frustrated as I try to carve out time for daily prayer.  One would think that a Christian, almost 40 years old, would be running on all cylinders.  Maybe yes and maybe no.  

Why does this bother me at all?  Seriously, very few people have daily prayer times if we stopped long enough to ask them.  I should be happy that I’m trying to pray on a regular basis.

Or should I?

Should sporadic spiritual practice be good enough for God?  Does He expect that every single day is marked with rosaries and Bible reading?  Come on God, isn’t there a place for slackers in the spiritual life?

One person who was far from a slacker was Blessed Theresa of the slums of Calcutta.  She once said, “God doesn’t require us to succeed; he only requires that you try.”  When you look at it this way, it could be that effort matters as much as the momentum that one builds up in his/her spiritual life.  That’s anti-slacker material if I ever heard it.

“God doesn’t require us to succeed; he only requires that you try"

So here’s my formula for avoiding slackerdom in the spiritual life:

1. Try to pray every day.  Quietly, without fanfare, including the practice of journaling when possible.  Try and then after you mess up or just forget, try again.

2. Read your Bible.  A little a day goes an awful long way.  A “pericope” is a short snippet of text.  Find some and ponder it by sitting with it in your head.

3. Talk out loud to God.  Every time I do this I’m reminded that faith is about relationship above all else.  You’ll feel funny at first but trust me, this works- big time.  If you can get comfortable talking to God, you may find that God ends up talking to you!

4. Seek perspective from wise and holy people.  Use a spiritual director, cherish your holy friends and ask their advice.  There's little that they haven't seen in life.

Let’s be honest, being a person of faith takes work. When we hit the speedbumps and feel less than motivated, it can be tempting to quit or get down on ourselves. Still, it’s important to remember that we’re in this first for God and second for ourselves.  

If you’re feeling like a slacker, that’s the perfect time to go “back to work” on the four disciplines laid out above and beg for God to bolster your resolve.

Which of the four disciplines speak most to your spiritual life?

Photo courtesy of RR

A Prayer for Labor Day

In the United States, we have so much for which to thank God. Even if your job is imperfect (and whose isn't?), be grateful for the work you have. Today is a great day to also pray for those who are unemployed or are seeking other employment. I found this prayer which resonated with me and perhaps will with you as well:

God our Creator,
We are the work of your hands.
Guide us in our work,
That we may do it, not for self alone,
But for the common good.
Make us alert to injustice,
Ready to stand in solidarity,
That there may be dignity for all
In labor and in labor's reward.
Grant this through Christ out Lord, amen.

-Book of Common Prayer

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Five Ways to Take Your Faith More Seriously

Have you ever met someone who takes his/her faith seriously, as in more seriously than you?  Maybe it was the way in which they spoke or a gesture of piety that they displayed.  It could have been something that they wrote in a letter or email.

I met someone like this and my life wasn’t the same from that moment on.

His name was (still is) Fr. Dennis.  A tall man with a great belly laugh and an ability to preach about anything and have it sound interesting, Dennis showed me that he took his faith quite seriously.   

I saw his zeal for God in the most subtle of gestures:

• He always makes a little cross on the back of an envelope
• He makes the sign of the cross whenever he passes by a Catholic church
• He always prays before a trip in the car, even if it’s just to the local Wawa or 7/11

What he didn’t do was talk a whole lot about these little acts of faith.  He just did them and they were enough to show me a more focused, honest lifestyle.   

I’ve tried to do each of these in my own life.  Thanks Dennis!

So how do you know that your faith isn’t as robust as it could be?  How do you diagnose “spiritual flatness”?

• First, your prayer life is inconsistent and drab.  
• Second, when you worship publicly, there is a disconnect between what the worship leader is saying and what your life is doing.  
• Third and finally, when someone is spontaneously in need, you are paralyzed and do nothing to help them.

I can relate to these qualities and admittedly my spiritual life has gone through peaks and valleys.  Once in college, I genuinely felt as if I had experienced what St. John of the Cross calls the “dark night of the soul”.  It’s that time in your life when God feels distant and nothing seems to be going right.  

“To saints, their very slumber is a prayer.”  St. John of the Cross

So here are five ways that you can take your faith from flat to flying:

1. Pray before meals.  Whether you are at home on Thanksgiving or grabbing a burger at McDonalds, thank God for the blessing of provision.  So what if others see you bow your head in prayer?
2. Pray before you drive in the car.  It’s amazing that more accidents don’t occur in parking lots, intersections or during commutes.  Pray a simple prayer that God would keep you (and others) safe during your drive.
3. Bless yourself when you pass by a church.  God is everywhere for sure but what takes place each Sunday in a church is truly remarkable.  Honoring this through a simple gesture like making the sign of the cross is another small way to acknowledge God’s presence in your day.
4. Prepare for weekend worship.  Find out what the readings will be and study them.  Sit with them and talk about them with someone with whom you can talk about your faith.  When you get in church later in the weekend, the readings will seem all the more alive.  God can work with that kind of preparation.
5. Commit to journaling every single day.  I can’t emphasize this enough.  If you’re not convinced of the power of journaling, read Bill Hybels’ book Too Busy Not to Pray.  Guilty as charged if I keep mentioning Hybels’ book- it changed my life about two years ago. 

These five action steps are extremely simple to put into effect in your own life.  The one thing they take is a primitive desire to draw closer to God and take your faith more seriously.  This implies courage- courage to be more than ordinary and courage to let the Lord actually make a difference in your life.  As Hybels says, "

Truly, spiritual courage is on the endangered character-quality list."

Here’s to your faith and the the small ways that you can be more open to God’s grace and presence in your life.  It only takes a minute to pray.  It doesn’t cost anything to be aware of God’s presence in the middle of the work day.  

Which of the five suggestions resonate with you?